Further to my interrupted thoughts on going it alone, I have spent much of the last week pondering the apparent inevitability of ending my days without a partner. It seriously does not concern me any longer, and indeed is becoming an increasingly attractive proposition. This time three years ago, I was coming to terms with the prospect of the end of a twenty five year partnership. I was more concerned about its implications to others than to myself at the time, and suppressed my own internal reactions as much as possible.
Of course I was dismayed and disconcerted when it happened. I truly had as my main concerns the happiness and welfare of both my children and my former partner rather than my own. Though I had never done anything overt to destroy the marriage, such as to be unfaithful, or to be abusive or violent, I inwardly accepted that at least part of the problem was me. It must have been. I could play the blame game and point to destructive actions and attitudes on her part but I would have to admit that my response to them may not have always been as supportive and nurturing as may have proven more harmonious and mutually beneficial in the longer term. The bottom line was somewhere expectations and reality diverged. Eventually a germ gradually grew and changed my attitude from reluctant acceptance of the situation to, finally, a more complete embracing of the concept that despite the (to me) unfair financial outcome of the separation, in the long run perhaps things did indeed work out for the best. Perhaps I have a greater capacity for personal happiness now that it is not entirely linked to that of another. It is certainly time for me to accept that my children are old enough, and mature and sensible enough to manage without me standing over them. indeed they seem to be managing very well indeed. I can at least be proud of that.
The problems I face now are entirely internal and most probably related to depression. In the time between my weekend at Caqalai and now I have gained a frightening 30Kg in weight and allowed my health to seriously deteriorate. I desperately need to get on top of that if I propose to have any sort of enjoyment of old age. Indeed if I even expect to have an old age at all. But for that alone I suspect I may be needing just the sort of help and support that I no longer have, since it ran off with another man.
In addition to these concerns I have had to give some practical thought to some other rather mundane things lately. I have taken out funeral insurance, so my demise will not cost anyone else. I have been grappling with the concern whether my one remaining life insurance (that I kept because it had no surrender value and therefore could not be split) should be maintained in order to leave a little something for the girls, or whether I should just cancel it, write off what has been invested so far and put the thousand or so per annum that it costs me into my superannuation fund instead. This might prove to be a good idea if I really do make it through to retirement age.
My long term plan is to become a Grey Nomad. This is a beautiful country and I want to see and photograph it all. In this I am not alone of course. It is a worthy purpose with which to end one’s days. A few more years of country practice as an EHO, and I plan to set off with a modest 4×4, a caravan and a motorcycle. Alone if need be.