I have been through the eye, over the hump and around the bend. My camels are unloaded and the baggage distributed. My metaphors are a biblically and Shakespeareanly mixed.
I have found equanimity in little oval pills. Should have tried that long ago.
I definitely was suffering from depression. Though I believe I kept up a cheerful front at work, and no one here would be likely to suspect, it was obvious to me. And thinking about it – why not? I had enough shyte on my shoulders to give good cause for feeling a bit sorry for myself. Particularly because I don’t believe I deserve it. Not all of it. Being Catholic educated means there will always be a burden of guilt. We are born guilty. But shyte happens. Being in a strange new place is both a good thing and bad. On the one hand, I have been here over six months and still have not been invited in to anyone’s home – in other words I have no friends here, only acquaintances. On the other hand it is as good a place as any and better than many to start again. There are things to do, places to see, and most of all a job I can do well and that I really do enjoy. I am professionally much happier now than when I was at the Ministry of Health, or even when I was frustrated in Fiji.
It was the quiet times at home that I found difficult.
So I can report that the little pills of concentrated equanimity that I am taking really do work. It was like a miracle. Overnight I went from a self pitying someone who wept at a thousand reminders of my condition on the TV or in a song being played, to a steady functioning human who could get off his chuff to go exploring and could sing in the shower again. It is better to be cheerful than to pretend to be cheerful.
My biggest problem is that I tend to turn to food for comfort in the absence of any other redress, and I have still not yet fully mastered the art of cooking for one.
I am getting a handle on that now. If I can get my weight down again I will feel better about myself.
My blood pressure is back under control, I think, and I have a GP who listens. I am starting a garden. The soil here is crap, so I am creating little gardens from old tyres with one side removed, filled with good compost and seed raising mix..
So there you have it. And here we are.
I am well. I can sincerely say I am better than I have been for a long time.
And that is all I have to say about that.