Equanamity

Look, I am OK. Really.

I did not intend my admission of having had occasional dark thoughts to cause concern.  I got tired of presenting a false front on Facebook when in fact I was not feeling OK, and I was hurting.  I am sure we all have, at some point,  moments contemplating the what–ifs of nonexistence.  In my case for the first time in my life I have recently felt not just alone, but lonely, and that was quite a revelation.  I have never admitted to loneliness before.  So I get a bit sorry for myself now and then.  I think I am probably entitled to.  .  I was fine most of the time and it was just the quiet times alone that were not so hot.

The knee pain made it worse for a while.  Sleeplessness and depression both.  But also seems to have brought about a means of getting over it

The fact is that ending it all is not in my nature, and I would never seriously consider it an option.  That does not preclude me from being a bit melodramatic with myself when I am at my lowest ebb.  Maybe I should not have owned up so publicly, but to me, it was a measure of how very unhappy I have been feeling.  I needed someone to understand that.   Mainly, I have been unhappy with myself, and what I have allowed myself to become. I should never have allowed my happiness to be dependent on someone else’s.  I became chemically unbalanced.  My life lopsided.  My work, which I really do enjoy, keeps me interested and occupied all day, and the necessities of professional and social interaction while doing my job causes me to want to be seen as cheerful and good-humoured.  At home, alone, with no one calling on me, to have a drink and a chat, and no invitations out, I had only my own company. I let my misery out.   And who wants a miserable git as a companion?  I ended up in a fugue.

It is really surprising to me to find that equanimity can be found in small white ovals.  I did not think that mother’s little helpers could be a good idea.  I have a little better understanding now that depression is real, insidious, and stultifying.  The good news is that it can be beaten.  I cannot have been too bad a case, as I am already feeling better than I did.

I really am doing ok.  I seem to have my equanimity back.  I am even singing in the shower again.  I am once more planning sensible, healthy yet appetising meals, and getting some exercise.  My BP is heading downwards.  From an all-time high of 180/125 and an average of around 165/115 I am already down to 150/105.  I just needed some chemical assistance to get over the hump.  Not to say that my life has suddenly turned rosy on the swallowing of a few pills.  It is just that when I go home I can think of something to do.  The emptiness has withdrawn.  No need to crawl into bed and drown my thoughts in loud music or old movies.

The main thing is I am not going to pretend.  When I do feel bad I shall say so rather than saying nothing until some little incident of mild interest can provide a diversion.  This blog is for me. I should use it as a tool.

Speaking of diverting incidents, I found another bluetongue in the middle of the road on Monday. When I rescued him  I was gloveless.  He bit me. It hurt.  I really would like to keep one as a pet, but it is not legal I believe.  Maybe I should get a dog.  This is not a place for cats, in my opinion.

I had a beer with the firemen next door that evening.  They were telling me that they like bluetongues because they eat young snakes.

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About Uisce úr

Though I am old with wandering Through hollow lands and hilly lands, I will find out where she has gone, And kiss her lips and take her hands; And walk among long dappled grass, And pluck till time and times are done, The silver apples of the moon, The golden apples of the sun.
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