I Dreamed I was Naked in Public.

I wonder to myself sometimes how much I should publish on this blog.  It is, after all, exposed for all to see who choose to do so.  I am in fact exposing myself in public, even though mostly a very few of my friends are the only ones who will read it. The same friends to whom I would confide my thoughts anyway.  But is is also my record of my thoughts, encounters and experiences, kept for my future self.  Unfortunately not a very good one, because I am lazy and inconsistent.  But I am keeping one promise to myself, and that is that when I do get around to it, I record honestly my thoughts, encounters and experiences.  Which is why I do not withhold my opinion on, for example, the situation in Fiji.  Frankly, if Brainymarinara had me deported right now, I would be delighted.   But I digress.  I was discussing what I feel and what of it I should write.

Usually when I start writing on this blog, I have some idea of what I wish to write.  Some comment I wish to make, something interesting or important I want to share,or some activity that interested or excited me.  Quite often I start out with that in mind but find myself pursuing paths I had not planned.  A bit like surfing the net, but in my head.  Thus a piece on Maillard reactions, for example.  Quite pleased with that.  All still in my head from my food days, with just a little Googling to check a couple of facts.  Sometimes though, I just set out to exercise my brain, and at the start I have no idea what I shall write where I will wander.    Today is such a day. I felt a need to share my thoughts, but examining them made me wonder if I really did want to wave them around in public.  What to write?  How much to write?   In the circumstances in which I find myself at present, it is hard to be objective, and harder not to sound like a whining loser.  Or worse, a self serving prick.  I certainly don’t want to play any he said she said blame games.  The fact is that I really don’t know, or understand what the fuck is going on, but I know it is not going well.  Coming to Fiji was a big mistake, and it is time I publicly admitted that.  It is neither the first or last, worst or least of the many life choice mistakes I have made or that am likely to continue to make.  But it is one I have to deal with at the moment, and that is only the start.  The job is not going all that well, so there is little comfort to be had from a job well done.   My personal life is in worse condition.  Being here may be a major factor in that, and being unable to sort it out does not help.  What use is a phone or Skype if there is no one listening at the other end?  What point rushing home?

I am 58 years old, stable and sensible, adaptable and capable, and certainly able to manage being alone for a spell.  I had no problem being temporarily away from my family and the comforts and pleasures of marriage.  I have certainly not felt any urge to seek such comfort elsewhere.  I am stating this for the record.  There is, I believe, a rumour to the contrary.  To what extent that rumour has contributed to my present circumstances, or arisen from them, I cannot in honesty judge, but since I have never in 25 years done anything to suggest I may be the sort of man who might be, shall we say… free with his affections, I can only say that such stories are not only unfounded, but particularly unkind.  I will also state for the record that in my experience, Melanesian women are among the worst, most vicious and unkind gossips I have ever encountered.  And women as a generalisation can be that way anyway.  So can men.  So now that I am being reasonable, what am I saying? Let’s substitute the word "people". Anyway, I have remonstrated before with my own good lady on that very subject.  Ah well…  I know that any such stupid speculation will be picked up, embellished  and honed to razor sweetness as it it passed along.   But I digress once more.  The point is that right now, I find that I am in a quandary.  Though I could live here quite contently far away from the comforts of home, and was doing OK until a while ago, I now find the possibilities ahead to be completely depressing.  Before, I was alone but not lonely. 

And having got my zip open, so to speak, I find that is all I have to say about that right now.


About Alan

Alone in a sea of spinifex.
This entry was posted in Life, don't talk to me about life!. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I Dreamed I was Naked in Public.

  1. Pingback: Out of the Cradle, Endlessly Rocking | Through Hollow Lands and Hilly Lands

  2. Pingback: Continuing Alone | Hodophilia

  3. Glenn says:

    Comment expunged by the writer on reflection.Let me think about this and frame a considered comment.November seems likely.


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