I Dreamed I was Naked in Public.

I wonder to myself sometimes how much I should publish on this blog.  It is, after all, exposed for all to see who choose to do so.  I am in fact exposing myself in public, even though mostly a very few of my friends are the only ones who will read it. The same friends to whom I would confide my thoughts anyway.  But is is also my record of my thoughts, encounters and experiences, kept for my future self.  Unfortunately not a very good one, because I am lazy and inconsistent.  But I am keeping one promise to myself, and that is that when I do get around to it, I record honestly my thoughts, encounters and experiences.  Which is why I do not withhold my opinion on, for example, the situation in Fiji.  Frankly, if Brainymarinara had me deported right now, I would be delighted.   But I digress.  I was discussing what I feel and what of it I should write.

Usually when I start writing on this blog, I have some idea of what I wish to write.  Some comment I wish to make, something interesting or important I want to share,or some activity that interested or excited me.  Quite often I start out with that in mind but find myself pursuing paths I had not planned.  A bit like surfing the net, but in my head.  Thus a piece on Maillard reactions, for example.  Quite pleased with that.  All still in my head from my food days, with just a little Googling to check a couple of facts.  Sometimes though, I just set out to exercise my brain, and at the start I have no idea what I shall write where I will wander.    Today is such a day. I felt a need to share my thoughts, but examining them made me wonder if I really did want to wave them around in public.  What to write?  How much to write?   In the circumstances in which I find myself at present, it is hard to be objective, and harder not to sound like a whining loser.  Or worse, a self serving prick.  I certainly don’t want to play any he said she said blame games.  The fact is that I really don’t know, or understand what the fuck is going on, but I know it is not going well.  Coming to Fiji was a big mistake, and it is time I publicly admitted that.  It is neither the first or last, worst or least of the many life choice mistakes I have made or that am likely to continue to make.  But it is one I have to deal with at the moment, and that is only the start.  The job is not going all that well, so there is little comfort to be had from a job well done.   My personal life is in worse condition.  Being here may be a major factor in that, and being unable to sort it out does not help.  What use is a phone or Skype if there is no one listening at the other end?  What point rushing home?

I am 58 years old, stable and sensible, adaptable and capable, and certainly able to manage being alone for a spell.  I had no problem being temporarily away from my family and the comforts and pleasures of marriage.  I have certainly not felt any urge to seek such comfort elsewhere.  I am stating this for the record.  There is, I believe, a rumour to the contrary.  To what extent that rumour has contributed to my present circumstances, or arisen from them, I cannot in honesty judge, but since I have never in 25 years done anything to suggest I may be the sort of man who might be, shall we say… free with his affections, I can only say that such stories are not only unfounded, but particularly unkind.  I will also state for the record that in my experience, Melanesian women are among the worst, most vicious and unkind gossips I have ever encountered.  And women as a generalisation can be that way anyway.  So can men.  So now that I am being reasonable, what am I saying? Let’s substitute the word "people". Anyway, I have remonstrated before with my own good lady on that very subject.  Ah well…  I know that any such stupid speculation will be picked up, embellished  and honed to razor sweetness as it it passed along.   But I digress once more.  The point is that right now, I find that I am in a quandary.  Though I could live here quite contently far away from the comforts of home, and was doing OK until a while ago, I now find the possibilities ahead to be completely depressing.  Before, I was alone but not lonely. 

And having got my zip open, so to speak, I find that is all I have to say about that right now.


About Uisce úr

Though I am old with wandering Through hollow lands and hilly lands, I will find out where she has gone, And kiss her lips and take her hands; And walk among long dappled grass, And pluck till time and times are done, The silver apples of the moon, The golden apples of the sun.
This entry was posted in Life, don't talk to me about life!. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I Dreamed I was Naked in Public.

  1. Pingback: Out of the Cradle, Endlessly Rocking | Through Hollow Lands and Hilly Lands

  2. Pingback: Continuing Alone | Hodophilia

  3. Glenn says:

    Comment expunged by the writer on reflection.Let me think about this and frame a considered comment.November seems likely.


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